Blame Game
by Neflanthir
Summary: Sam's thoughts about Dean & their relationship after S04E14. No pairing, though Ruby is there as Sam's emotional support though hints are there of their own bond & changed relationship . Rating for language. Set to LJ Prompt 3: Dean.


Things were getting worse and worse but he couldn't see what could be done about it. Things had been different between them for a while now and that latest altercation had just highlighted the issues. A fight was coming; they both knew that, it was just a matter of how serious it was likely to be. It was all good and well for Dean to blame all this on him, though he knew his brother was good at placing fault elsewhere, but he really needed to look at his own guilt in the issues that had arisen between them.

Sam knew his faults, knew he had changed, but it wasn't all on his head. Dean had changed too and he made it so damned difficult to talk to him, that Sam didn't really have much of choice but to keep secrets. He was a hypocrite anyhow, he kept plenty of secrets himself, Dean was the one who started that game and that was a long time before he went to hell. Sam knew that it was far easier for Dean to blame it on his absence though, to blame it on Ruby presence and Sam using his powers.

It wasn't fair, not by a long shot, but neither of them had ever claimed that Dean was fair. Sam was the one who had that role; he had to be fair, considerate and open, he wasn't really sure if he was anymore though. He had scared himself when he thought back to how he'd behaved during that case, even when he didn't have the siren's power to blame. Sleeping with the Doctor so easily, not bothering or caring to say anything to her before they left, throwing a tantrum when Dean said he didn't trust him, it just wasn't like him.

Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair. He didn't know what to do or how he could fix things. Talking to Dean would make things worse; they would just end up fighting again. He had no idea what he could say to take his brother's anger away but it wasn't down solely to him, Dean needed to take responsibility in this too. Until Dean was willing to talk, was willing to accept his own faults, there wasn't really a lot that Sam could do.

Maybe in that case the looming fight was impossible to prevent, maybe it had to happen for things to change between them, for Dean to realise just how much he had and was still hurting him. It would take a lot for Sam to tell Dean the truth though, to tell him that the secrets and changes were more his fault than anything else. It would hurt his brother to hear the words he had to say about that matter, so he really didn't want to say them; though right now it didn't matter because Dean wouldn't hear or accept them anyway.

Speaking of Dean, he was currently out, Sam didn't know where. He hadn't asked and Dean hadn't offered the information. It was a relief in some ways, to not have him around because the tense air between them was gone as well but he didn't want things to be this way between them. There was also the problem that it left him alone with nothing to do but think about everything and how wrong it was going.

He needed someone to talk to about everything but he and Dean didn't really have anyone. Sure there was Bobby but there was so much that Bobby didn't know, so much that they decided not to tell him. He wasn't really sure that Bobby would be any more willing to listen than Dean was either; he was a through-and-through hunter and all the issues with Ruby and his powers wouldn't go down well.

Thinking about it, he supposed he could be wrong about Dean having no one to talk to, for all he knew Dean and Castiel had long and involved conversations. That possibility just made him feel even more alone, Dean had someone else, someone he could confide in and go to for support, he didn't need Sam anymore. It was irrational, he knew, but the human mind tended to be that way inclined. He was afraid of losing Dean to Castiel; the angels had already heightened his fear of Sam. Once upon a time Dean trusted Sam, never believed that Sam would ever fall but now that all seemed to have changed.

As he was fiddling with his phone, a certain brunette came to mind and the question of if he really was all alone arose. That would make Dean see red, not that he was completely convinced that he cared, it had never stopped him keeping in touch with her so far. Ruby knew everything and while she didn't particularly like Dean, she wouldn't do or say anything against him since that would hurt Sam.

It wouldn't hurt to have someone he could vent to, someone he could throw his thoughts and frustrations at. He didn't think it was any of Dean's business, didn't see that not mentioning it should be considered that he was keeping secrets again, it was just a conversation. He couldn't help how Dean saw things and he couldn't help that right now he needed support and he had no one else he could talk to. That was all he needed, someone to tell him that everything was okay, that he was okay.

Building up a little resolve, Sam hit dial on Ruby's number and waited for her to answer. He wasn't sure how she would react to his request, but it wouldn't hurt to ask. "Hi Ruby, are you busy?"

"Something wrong Sam?" Ruby asked, only the slightest tint of concern in her voice.

Sam couldn't help the smile that formed; she always made things so easy for him. "I know it's an odd request, but I was kind of hoping we could talk, or rather that I could rant to you for a while."

He didn't have to see her to know she was smiling, amusement clear in her tone. "Trouble in paradise? Anything you need Sam. You know where to find me, or do you want me to come to you?"

"I'll come to you. Thanks Ruby."

Sam hung up as soon as the words left his mouth, not waiting for a reply. Ruby wouldn't care either way, she never did. He could get away with murder with her; she always let him get away with treating her badly. Sam sighed softly, it was awful really, that he could treat her like dirt but she still stayed at his side and was the only one he could count on for support.

Sam grabbed his things and left a message for Dean that he was out and might not be back until morning. At least he had told him that much and it wasn't as if Dean had told him where he was going or what he was doing. He couldn't honestly expect Sam to tell him every little detail of his life when he didn't do the same. It was normal for people to have secrets anyway, everyone had things that they couldn't or wouldn't discuss.

It would take a while to walk to where Ruby was staying but it would be better for his head, he didn't want to go too far off the rails with Ruby. People said regrettable things when they were angry and he didn't want to do that. It would be okay, he knew that Ruby wouldn't mind waiting and it wouldn't surprise him if she knew what he intended to do. It was worrying sometimes just how well she could read him, though a lot of the time it came in handy more than anything, so he could ignore it. As long as he acknowledged she could try to manipulate him, he could be somewhat prepared for it.

He'd been raised to be cautious, to expect anything, so it wasn't that he was being unfair to Ruby, it was just in his nature. He didn't think he needed to worry, if he did, he wouldn't let her in as much as he did. They all knew he trusted her, no matter what he said; his actions spoke louder than anything that came out of his mouth. Words could cause just as much trouble though, if not more.

The words thrown between him and Dean because of the siren, but even those before had spoken in volumes. He supposed that was why he had thrown a strop, which his phone had been on the receiving end of. Dean said he didn't trust him and while he claimed it was because he thought Sam was under the siren's spell, Sam knew it went far more deeply than that. Dean didn't trust him, period.

They were falling apart, drifting away from each other and he didn't know how to stop it. After everything he had gone through because of losing Dean, it was ridiculous that they were acting and feeling this way now. He wasn't sure how much of him really cared and how much of him was staying with Dean purely because he felt like he was meant to. It seemed like he was closer to her now than he was to his own brother and he knew Dean resented that, he made it quite clear.

Sometimes, usually when he was over-analysing everything like he had been tonight, he forgot how things really were. He never gave the bond between him and Ruby enough credit, it was as though he was still back before Dean had gone to hell and he was still trying so desperately to please him. That wasn't the case anymore though and that was part of the problem. He wasn't as reliant and willing to please as he had been, he was more willing to stick to his guns, he just did it behind Dean's back, rather than getting into argument after argument over it.

He was so much closer to Ruby now, relied on her more than Dean because he had no other choice for months. Dean came back and expected things to be the same and they weren't. If he'd given it any thought he would know better, know that Sam was bound to have changed, just as his time in hell had changed him. His brother didn't seem to appreciate that though, he just wanted Sam to be who he used to be, despite that logically it was impossible after everything that had happened.

Sam finally arrived at the abandoned house and walked in without knocking. He found Ruby sat in the front room in front of an open fire. A smile briefly lit his face as it reminded him of another dilapidating building and certain events occurring with a roaring fire in the background. Ruby didn't acknowledge him, but he knew better than to think she didn't know he was there.

Even though he knew better, he sat behind her and wrapped round her frame nuzzling her neck. He needed comfort but he knew that relying on Ruby for it wasn't a good idea, even if there was no one else he could turn to. He wasn't even sure if she would allow it, but the hand softly running through his hair quickly dispelled that concern. He supposed she knew better than to turn him away when he needed her, even though this sort of closeness wasn't really ideal.

"Just talk it all out Sam." Ruby said softly, still stroking his hair.

Sam sighed, explaining first of all their last job and everything that had happened, everything that had been said. He tried to keep the account unbiased, though he knew Dean's perspective on the events would be somewhat different. He felt Ruby tense somewhat and knew that she'd had to bite her tongue. He knew very well that she'd object to Dean's comment about Sam's tendency to sleep with monsters, though it wasn't as though he honestly hadn't considered that issue himself.

"Right, so that's the premise of what's put me in this mood and why I need to talk to someone." Sam stated, trying to keep somewhat in control.

Ruby nodded slightly, aware of Sam's proximity to her head. "Okay, I can see that it would cause problems for you and make you have to sort out issues already there. So rant and rave about it and get it all out in the air."

"I'm losing him, after all the drunken, suicidal inability to cope, we're drifting apart. We barely even know each other anymore! My own brother and it feels like we're strangers. It's more than that though, the way he looks at me, looks down on me, like everything is my doing, my fault and it's not!"

Sam let go of Ruby, choosing to stand and pace instead. Ruby then moved onto an old sofa keeping a close eye on both him and his mood. She kept her mouth shut, as much as she could agree with him, it would stop him from admitting everything he needed to. She wouldn't give him any excuses to curl back in on himself when he so obviously needed to get it all off his chest.

"I know I've changed, I know we're sat pretending that nothing is any different, but we both know it is, everything that's happened has changed both of us. It isn't as though I'm a completely different person while he's still the same. Yes, I'm keeping secrets and going behind his back, but it isn't as if he doesn't do the same thing to me. He started the 'keeping secrets regarding anything to do with the psychic stuff game' and it's stuck since then. It scares him and he's so damned bias about it, he doesn't exactly make it feasible to talk to him."

"How can he stand there and say he doesn't know me and it's all my fault is ludicrous. As if I'm the only one to blame, and then saying I don't have his back? He's my brother! Of course I look out for him! What did he expect? That I wouldn't have learnt to stand on my own two feet? That I'd cling to him and follow his every whim? I can't keep trying to live my life like that; I shouldn't have to keep to everyone's expectations and not get to live how I want to. He's so unbelievably selfish yet I can't be the least bit that way inclined. It pisses me off!"

"Dean needs to pull his head out of his ass and realise what he's done to me. Everything that he put me through, leaving me all alone, knowing that he was rotting in hell because of me; how was that ever not going to mess me up? Would he rather I was dead? Would it be better then because I wouldn't be around you, wouldn't be using my powers and wouldn't be disappointing him and his precious angels?"

Ruby bit her lip to keep herself from laughing, though a smile still tugged at her features. Sam glared pointedly, though it was obvious he wasn't really angry. Ruby shook her head. "Sorry Sam, it's not that I disagree or anything, some of what you said appealed to my sense of humour. Just ignore me."

Sam grinned, he could understand why she'd find it amusing hearing him say things like that about his brother and the angels. He took a seat beside her leaning on her. She wrapped her arms around him and returned to petting his hair. Both trying to ignore the fact that they were acting far too much like a couple, though Ruby grinned again at the thought of how much it would annoy Dean.

"He goes on about you and about me screwing monsters, and maybe he does think that, but I think there's more to it than that. He doesn't like me talking to you, doesn't like that I'm putting so much trust in you, that I'm keeping in contact with you and going after Lilith without talking to him. I honestly think he might be jealous of you, almost as much as he resents you and what you are, and me for associating with a demon. I think his opinion must have changed slightly from what it used to be though, because of his time down there, because of the things that he did and how he felt about it all."

"He cries to me when he admits he tortured people, then a while later he tells me he enjoys it. I can see why he got Ghost Sickness and I didn't. I mean, I'm sure that's normal for hell, that's how you become a demon right? You get wrapped up in all the chaos and forget everything else, forget compassion and caring because in that place there's no such thing. Yet I'm the monster, I'm the one who's changed for the worst and needs to stop? It's a joke. He calls them assholes and goes against them to help a fallen angel and yet he hangs on every word that Castiel says. My brother can be such a hypocrite."

"Can't he see that he isn't who he used to be? He's so much angrier and distrustful now and even though in some ways he seems to have found some faith, in others he's almost completely lost what he had. I'm not trying to hurt him, I'm not trying to keep things secret and make him feel isolated or untrustworthy, I just… He won't listen, he just yells at me, throws everything back at me, he won't let me explain. If he doesn't approve I have to accept that and do what he wants. I can't live like that anymore, I just can't. I have a right to live my own life, don't I?"

"If he didn't bite my head off, act like nothing's changed with him and actually listened to me in a negotiating manner, maybe I'd actually talk to him because I'd be able to then. I just don't see why I should be expected to follow his rules; live how he wants me to, when he can do whatever the hell he wants to. He isn't being the least bit fair and I'm sick to death of giving everything and getting nothing for it in return. I don't care if it's selfish to want to do my own thing; it's my life, not his."

Sam sighed, hand coming to rest on the bridge of his nose. "I don't want to lose my brother, more than anything I want everything to work out, but I just don't see that I should take all the blame and make all the sacrifices. He put too much weight on my shoulders, gave me more guilt than I could carry because of his selfishness. I had to change to survive and you were the only one offering an anchor, this is of his making. I accept my own guilt, I acknowledge my own faults, but things wouldn't have turned out this way if he hadn't done that to me. I can't change this until he's willing to admit his part in all this and to actually listen to both sides and compromise."

Ruby nodded, she knew Sam had said his peace now, even though all he'd really done was go round in a circle, which was probably not the first time he had. "It's difficult but you're right; you can try until you're blue in the face, but unless you fold, nothing is going to change until he listens. You boys are going to have to talk to each other or things are going to escalate. Even if I were to step out of the picture completely, those feelings would still be there between you both. Something is going to give sooner or later."

Sam sighed and nodded, that was what he was afraid of. There was no guarantee what would happen if things went that far and the last thing he wanted was to fight his own flesh and blood. Dean had always been there for him and he couldn't imagine being on a different side to him. The siren had made it far too obvious what that was like, really fighting each other and it hurt. Sam cleared his head and shifted against Ruby to make himself more comfortable. He thought he saw a silhouette when he did but he ignored it, who would possibly be stood there listening to them?


End file.
